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Today marks exactly three months since Ruby passed away. This is the last part in a four-part series about my experience during the last four months of Ruby’s life, from diagnosis to caring for her through her illness, to having to let her go. Click here to read part one, Ruby’s Last Journey: The Moment That Changed Everything, part two, Ruby’s Last Journey: Practical Considerations of Hospice Care,and part three, Water, Water Everywhere! Hydration for Cats with Kidney Disease.
I had prior experience with losing cats after a lengthy illness, and after a sudden, brief illness. The gift of time, short as it was, between Ruby’s diagnosis and her passing, made a tremendous difference for me in terms of how I coped.
From denial to acceptance
When Ruby first started drinking more water, alarm bells went off in my head. But, even though I have a lot of knowledge about feline veterinary medicine, and could reel off a whole laundry list of possible reasons why she did it, I didn’t react right away. Denial is a powerful force, and I just didn’t want to acknowledge that something was wrong. Would it have made a difference if I had pursued diagnostics four or five weeks sooner? Maybe, maybe not. Given how fast her cancer moved through her little body, I doubt it would have mattered. It was probably already pretty advanced by the time she showed symptoms.
Once I received the bloodwork results, I could no longer stick my head in the sand. I broke down while I was on the phone with Dr. Tasi, and I cried on and off for the next few days.
At some point during those early days, I shifted from utter devastation to rearranging my life. From that point on, Ruby was my only priority. Everything else took second place.
Making every moment count
I wanted to spend as much time with Ruby as I could. She had always been my little “Velcro kitten.” If she had had her way, she would have been glued to me 24/7. She was in my lap when I was working, eating my meals, reading, or watching TV. She slept curled up in my arms. I didn’t want to miss any of these precious moments, and I’m pretty sure neither did she. Of course, she didn’t know our time together was limited, but I know she loved having all that extra “Mom time.”
I always feel blessed that I work from home, but now, more than ever, I realized just what a gift it was to not have to leave the house for hours on end to go to work. But even though I was with her during my working hours, it wasn’t enough. I curtailed pretty much all social engagements for the last three months of her life other than an occasional lunch or dinner with a close friend that only took me away from home for a couple of hours at the most.
Being in charge of my schedule meant that I could easily feed her multiple small meals throughout the day. It meant that I never had to worry about leaving her when she was having a not so good day. It meant being able to make the most of our time together.
A deeper bond, until the very last breath
I felt that Ruby and I became even closer during the last few months of her life – something I experienced with Buckley as well, but with Ruby, it went even deeper. I knew from my experience with Buckley that I had to try to stay in the moment as much as I possibly could, rather than worrying about what was coming next. I made sure that when I had meltdowns, I went into a different room to cry, rather than letting myself lose it around Ruby. For the most part, our time together was incredibly peaceful. When we were together, there was only love.
Having time to prepare for her death didn’t make the actual event any less devastating. For the last couple of weeks of her life, I prayed that she would go in her sleep so I wouldn’t have to make the euthanasia decision. Once I made the appointment, two days before the actual event, I felt like time was speeding up. Everything became a “this is the last time we…” moment. That Wednesday afternoon came much too soon. And yet, there was no doubt in my mind that Ruby was ready.
I will not be writing about Ruby’s last day or the actual euthanasia. I’ve shared what I can with you. The rest of it is private.
Did I make the most of loving you?
This brings us to the end of my Ruby’s Last Journey series. It was very difficult for me to write the series. I sincerely hope that sharing my experience will help you with your own cats, should you be faced with a similar situation. I also hope that if you’re faced with providing hospice care for a beloved cat, you will allow yourself to fully experience this special time in all its beauty and pain. You and your cat deserve no less.
Throughout Ruby’s final weeks and months, the title track for the Downton Abbey TV show, Did I Make the Most of Loving You?, became our theme song:
Did I make the most of loving you?
So many things we didn’t do.
Did I give you all my heart could give?
Two unlived lives with lives to live.
When these endless, lonely days are through,
I’ll make the most of loving you.
Did we make the most of all we had?
Not seeing you makes my heart sad.
Did we make the most of summer days?
We still have time to change our ways.
When these endless, lonely days are through, .
I’ll make the most of loving you.
Did those tender words stay in my head?
So many things were left unsaid.
Did I give you all my heart could give?
Two unlived lives with lives to live.
When these endless, lonely days are through,
I’ll make the most of loving you.
By the time I had to let Ruby go, I could answer the question with an unequivocal “YES!” Yes, I gave her all my heart could give. Yes, I made the most of all we had. Yes, I made the most of loving my precious little girl.
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I read all 4 Parts and cried over each one. Thank you for sharing your life with Ruby and the bond you had with her….
In 2020 I lost my 13 year old traditional Persian cat ” Matahari” and now in 2022 I feel my 13 year 7 month old Tomcat ” Matata” is suffering from kidney disease.Thanks to reading your tragic account of the final day’s of ” Ruby” that I have gained a first hand insight into this non curable disease.
I’m so sorry about your Matata, Rudolph. I hope you have a lot more time with him.
Like many others, I’m sitting here crying as I read this. I feel like you wrote what was in my heart. I’m really, really struggling right now because on August 26th, I made the decision to let my Preeti go. I knew I would miss her, but I honestly didn’t realize just how much. This grief feels like a stone in my chest that won’t lift. I’m so sorry that any of us have to go through this pain, but thank you for sharing your experience with Ruby. It helps my grief to feel validated and let’s me know that their little lives mattered.
I’m so sorry about your Preeti, Anita. My heart goes out to you.
I cried when i read this post. We had to let go of our 17y 2m old tortie 3 weeks ago. she died in my arms at 1230 at night. We got a new cat but I am still devestated and mourn our Pandora cat daily. She had to take insulin and had diabetes and stage 2 Kidney disease but fought like a warrior for her life. I cry a lot still. Oh Pan Pan why did you have to go on us!! IT seems that Cancer took her but she went quick. thanks for sharing about your Ruby.
I’m so sorry about your Pandora.
Thank you. she was old but full of energy and life. Her death was sudden and shocking. Seh went in about 36 hours. I miss her love and soft touch so much. I often think about Ruby and read your posts.
Please, please know that you sharing your experience of Ruby’s passing is so very, very helpful, appreciated and (yes) needed, so thank you. I know that we don’t or can’t always share our grief, but it is the greatest help, comfort, relief to know I am not alone in feeling it.
I put off reading this all night as I knew how hard it would be. Although our experiences are all different with pet loss we also can understand and relate. I can’t imagine writing this, you did it beautifully and my heart goes out to you. You did everything you possibly could and gave every ounce of love. The holidays (and anniversaries) are truly the hardest and I thank you so much for this. It has helped me alleviate guilt that I didn’t do enough, it reminded me of Ruby-a kitty that I enjoyed reading about for years and the final words will stick with me. I would do anything to help ease your pain if I could. I know it’s beyond hard but I hope to see more Ruby stories throughout the holiday season.
Thank you for your beautiful words, Kimberly.
I’m very appreciative that you shared Ruby’s last journey. I just read all 4 parts because I kept postponing it. I thought it might bring back the guilt I felt after letting my sweet kitty go last June. Instead it did the opposite. It helped me realize I did all I could do for her and letting her go was the final most loving thing I could do under the circumstances. Amazing how such a little girl can leave such a big hole in my heart. The grief does lessen over time, although missing her will never end. <3
I’m so sorry for your loss Ingrid. Your posts on Ruby’s illness and passing was very moving. I feel like I knew Ruby.
Thank you for sharing this and the other 3 parts. My heart breaks for you but I know when this happens in my house I can go back and look at the strength you had for Ruby and hopefully it will help me when that time comes.
Every kitty should be so loved, and every human should be able to love a kitty so. Thre is nothing right about her leaving so soon, but approaching with awareness, at least you know you didn’t miss a moment. She was an angel.
I have to reply to this.
It is such a very beautiful post… and I know it can be helpful to MANY.. for many many reasons. I know it helps me.
I think Ruby did in fact know she was very sic, dying, and had little time with you.
As much as you needed to spend _very- quality time with her.. she also needed that. She was so fully aware.
I agree that experience makes us better able to cope.. which helps us.. but also the one/s we are coping about.. or with.
Still, that said, I also believe that no matter how we handle it.. the -depth- of time spent together in the “loss process” is the ..same. It is different is all. Even if we don’t deal as best we can– and go through the “what if’s” etc.. still… the love is the same… just as “bonds” differ- Loe is what matters. We will always wish we may have done something “better”.. the key is to continue to learn from experience… but, again, how we cope is not the same as how much we love.
You give and gave so much to each of those you love.. and what you share in and of each experience is so valuable to so many. I know what you share – be it great information or a starting of experience as ..lived and felt (by you and each of your cats) has enabled others to learn from you.. and your cats.
Thank you for all you do ..for your cats and for all of us who read what you share.
Thank you more than words can say to all of you for your love and support, and for sharing your own stories of love and loss. It means so much to me to hear that Ruby’s journey may help other cats and their humans as they’re facing similar journeys together.
Thank you for letting us share in this final passage, Ingrid. I know how hard it was for you to write this. I think you can answer the question “Did I make the most of loving you?” with an unequivocal “YES.”
Big hugs, Ruth
Hi Ingrid..I read the 4 parts of Ruby’s very touching journey, to and over the rainbow bridge..I feel your pain and dread when my cats have to leave me..I’ve saved your writings, so I can re-read them when one of those times come..In the meantime, I hope to give them my whole heart, just as you did Ruby..God bless you and Allegra..
No doubt about it, you had each others hearts and you always will.
Ruby is exquisitely beautiful. You and Ruby were so very lucky to have had one another. She was loved and she knew it.
I’ve walked a similar path in my life, having helped 17 furrkids cross The Bridge. One would think it would get easier in time, but it doesn’t. I hope and pray there is truth to the premise that my Angels and I will again be together forever someday.
Thank you for sharing, Ingrid. It’s never easy, but your story made me think of each kitty I have had to say good-bye, too. Such a beautiful tribute to Ruby…
Thank you for sharing Ingrid! Ruby will always be with you. I know you know that.
Dearest Ingrid, I haven’t posted on this topic before – every time I saw one of your posts, I got so sad. No doubt I was also remembering when my sweet Timmy passed. Ingrid, you went through it the exact right way. You gave her all your deep love and let yourself feel all the deep pain. I send you my deepest condolences and told Timmy to watch over Ruby til you can be with her again.
Such a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. I recently went through a very similar circumstance. I’ve been so moved by discovering how many people have been blessed with such love from their cat that I wrote a blog post similar to this. I’ll share the link with you in hopes that it can bring you some easing of the pain.
Such a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. I recently went through a very similar circumstance. I’ve been so moved by discovering how many people have been blessed with such love from their cat that I wrote a blog post similar to this. I’ll share the link with you in hopes that it can bring you some easing of the pain.
https://thetaoofmissycat.com/surviving-the-loss-of-your-pet/
P.S. I did not post this twice and I have no idea why it comes up twice
Thanks for sharing about your Missy Cat. it was sad but beautiful
Dear Ingrid,
Beautiful post; beautiful picture.
Thank you very much for sharing your journey with Ruby with us.
Jane
Dear Ingrid & Allerga,
Thank you for sharing your difficult journey.
It never before occurred to me that home hospice care could be a choice for a pet. It is completely reasonable! and is on the table from now on if it best suits my pet. I’m doing my homework NOW with my vet and I hope she is open to it. If not, I hope I can find a vet who would be. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to it through your experience.
My Jack decided he wouldn’t be waiting for the appointment I made. I felt honored and privileged (and totally devastated) to be by his side when he passed on. It was so hard for me but it was great for Jack. That’s all that matters in the end, for all of us.
Each time one of our felines go through that tough time, and face some of our most challenging efforts to offer hospice, we know in the end we have done our best. It still brings tears knowing that someone else has to face the same situation, but we open our hearts to others and offer all the help we can to carry on. In the last 15 years we have given “hospice care” to 6 of our felines, and we say it never gets any easier. Hang in there , you always have so much more love to give.
I love your posts and voice. I have been reading your good bye posts but i keep crying. I cant believe it. Its been many years since i lost mine but still the pain and memories are intense. Just wanted to send love andheart to you
I pray sharing brings some comfort to you. Grateful you had the time with her. Know sharing does not comfort you but maybe it will me – My Buddie passed about the same time, she had a stroke. I always wish it would have been peaceful and I had more time.
Thank you again for sharing. I know all too well about the this is the last time moments. I have 3 cats and my oldest is my closet one. She can’t get close enough to me when we sleep. Funny thing she was my worst kitten. Fought with everyone and bullied my Cole who was the love of my life. But she grew up and mellowed some. Now she is my best friend.
I read all 4 Parts and cried over each one. Thank you for sharing your life with Ruby and the bond you had with her….
Dear Ingrid, thank you for sharing Ruby’s journey.It left me in tears. Here’s a little quote that I feel fits: “Someone once asked me what the most difficult thing about having cats is. I shook my head, looked down to the floor with my eyes closed and replied, ‘The goodby.’
Love to you and Allegra <3
Thank you. I hope that sharing your pain with all of us has helped your closure. God Bless, there is another door opening for you soon.
Ingrid & Allerga,
Your series on Ruby put tears in my eyes. Brought back memories of all the cats that have passed through my life. And, how each life ended. I believe, that we will see each of our fur kids when we pass. Your Ruby is healthy, young, has her wings & looking out for you & Allerga.
Sharing your experience has made me feel how close each of us are to each other and connected to our fur kids. Some day, cat veterinarian medicine will have advanced where many ills & diseases will be cured. Or medicine available to have a good prolonged life without suffering.
Love to you, Allerga & all Conscious Cat members along with fur kids,
Grayson, Milo, Hamish, Nan
Thank you for sharing Ruby’s last journey with us. I know how hard it was for you to write about it and reliving it through every word. Nani was my velcro cat and part of me died with her. So I know exactly what you went through with Ruby.
Thank you for sharing Ruby with us. She must have been a wonderful friend and companion. My Bella had a similar story and went to Rainbow Bridge Oct. 31, 2019. I had retired in 2005 and was lucky enough to spend our days together. She was a big Ragdoll shelter girl and my soulmate. Bella was 19+ and we gave each other much love. She was my Ruby. 🙂
Thank you!
Ruby’s life might be over, but her spirit lives on (and I believe we will meet our beloved ones in the net life).
Her life had meaning and it ws important. By talking about this we can all realise that it is ok and normal to be devastated by the loss of our loved ones.
Thank you for your posts and for sharing the life of the absolutely gorgeous Ruby xxx
Thank you for opening yourself up and letting us in on your life with Ruby during her last weeks with you. Losing Binga happened even faster. In fact, my human didn’t know she would have to be put down until pretty much the very day she called the home vet to come as soon as she could. It’s hard, and we so appreciate these posts.
I’ve always been a multiple cat home and I’ve had to put 20+ cats to sleep over many years but reading about you and Ruby brings me to tears because it’s all so familiar. It never gets easier but those last days of final bonding are important and can be sweet. I hope you know that many of us cry with you for your Ruby and for our own Rubys.
I’m not going to lie, all four parts made me blubber uncontrollably. Partly because the thought of losing someone so prescious makes me sad and partly because I was touched by how you were able to fill her last few months with so much love. It is something I wish every cat parent could have if they wanted.